Someone Who Gave You So Much to Remember
Eleven years ago, feels like a lifetime ago. Eleven years ago, I was at the end of my tween years when I found a love. As cringy as that may sound, it’s true. “What Makes You Beautiful” played on the radio one night, and I was hooked. The ascent to an obsessed Directioner was quick. Binge-listening to their songs, learning the boys’ bios, their likes and dislikes, scrolling endlessly through videos and pictures of them, it was a one-way ticket for me, destination: everything One Direction. I wrote about them in my diary, crafting update after update and decorating it with articles I cut out from newspapers without anyone noticing.
Then came newfound acquaintances with classmates who shared my love for the band. Our combined love made us die-hard fans. We learned the lyrics, belted out their songs during free periods and recesses, and made our own fan book filled with articles and pictures of our boys. We welcomed boys who shared a love for their music and struck deals with one/two to get us coloured printouts of One Direction pictures. Naturally, we defended the band when anyone harshly commented about them. We defended with all our might, all our strength, and all our love. Liam, Zayn, Louis, Niall, Harry, they were ours to fight for. I even took this fight home when my elder brother made silly comments about them to rile me up. I was just a young girl who already adored them to the moon and back. It was a love uncomplicated in nature, complete simply by their existence. And then Zayn left, and it felt like someone took a sledgehammer to my heart. But it also felt like the start of an end.
They subsequently went on a hiatus, and it was “Heart Meet Break” all over again. The disillusionment set in as we slowly learned that, while they brought us much happiness, they were treated like machines. So, while the band going away felt like a betrayal, it made me feel selfish. They deserved happiness and rest. I vowed never to love another band or artist. I promised to follow them on into their solo careers. No matter how much they were ranked against each other, I loved them equally. All five, always. Throughout the years, from being a tween to an adult, One Direction—Liam, Louis, Zayn, Niall, and Harry—has been one of the few constants in my life. They didn't have to be together; they just had to be there.
Then, 16 October arrived. It was like losing one of the only people I hold dear. I struggled to understand the overwhelming news flooding online and the vileness that accompanied it. So, as the tributes rolled, I shut down. When I read the boys' heartbreaking tributes, it sealed away the slightest shred of hope that this was some wicked hoax. Liam was gone. His little son lost a devoted father, and his father, mother, and sisters lost their loving boy. And here existed people dissecting his life.
It's been a month since Liam passed. It's been a month knowing that he could've been saved. It went from shock to straight grief. It is still a struggle to re-listen to his music and theirs without choking up. While fellow Directioners gathered around the world sharing in the grief, I spent days and nights in guilt, never articulating what I truly felt. There were days when all I felt was nothing but frustration, if only they had helped him instead of sending him to his death. If only he knew that the love people had for him was endless. If only he knew that there are so many who wish they could've pulled him away from that edge, that they could've saved him the way he saved so many by being open about his struggles. There are only so many ifs, buts, maybes, and wishes for someone no longer here. For someone who did his best to reach out and help as many as he could, he was failed. At the end of it all, I can only hope that he is now at peace.
Just know, Liam, if I could have brought you back from that edge, I would have in the blink of an eye. If I could have saved you, I would have done so in a heartbeat.
PS: To anyone who may think otherwise, I am entitled to my grief and have the right to my thoughts and feelings. You only need to respect them; you don't have to agree.
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